I’ve been wondering about trust this week. All the strands of my lives got caught up in webs we weave about trust. Our expectations about trust are high, we are often and easily aggrieved. We are slow to trust and fast to distrust.

Is this reasonable?

We often confuse being wrong with being untrustworthy. We reward being steadfast on the wrong course as being more trustworthy than changing your mind to another one. We repeatedly make the mistake of believing trust is binary; categorising people, brands, companies as ‘can trust’ or ‘can’t trust’. One choice. One time. Done.

Little wonder we are in a permanent state of confusion about who to trust.

Not so simple. Obviously.

Of course, we know it is not so simple, because none of us are universally trustworthy. I like to think I can be trusted in many situations, but not to arrive on time, or to remember your birthday (see last week!), or to do things I don’t want to do. I can be flaky.

I would say I can be trusted when it matters. You might ask – matters to who?

Can you trust you?

There is one person that should be cautious about trusting me. Me.

I repeatedly break promises to myself. Sometimes I know I’m going to break them when I make them, but I lie to myself anyway. I’m not alone in this bizarre self-sabotage – a study of 800 million activities found the peak day for quitting resolutions was January 19th (I’m feeling a bit better about myself!).

Trusting your own voice

The most complex, dysfunctional, distrustful relationship I have is with my voice. The voice that sings my songs. I don’t have a relationship with my other voices. But my songwriting voice and I – it’s complicated. Or rather I make it complicated, my voice has never given me a reason to be mistrustful. It has always steered me well, has always been on my side. But the trust requires such faith. I don’t have training, or rules, or data to rely on. I don’t have control. It’s unlike anything else in my life. Of course, that is why it is so precious and so important.

In recent years I learned to trust my voice. To follow it, blindly. It’s been an exhilarating, luminous ride. I felt safe and brave and ‘right’. Inside. I thought I was sorted, that I would always feel this way. But I haven’t sung anything new this year. Usually, I am overflowing with songs, I struggle to not lose them. Now I can’t find them.

I could make a strong case for being too busy, too tired, etc etc. But it is not that. I am being drawn towards directions that I don’t trust are right, so I don’t go. I don’t know why I feel this. I would so like to feel different.

Indulgingly unhopeful (today only)

This isn’t the post I thought I would write today. When I started Yours Hopefully I didn’t plan for the days when I wasn’t feeling so good. An oversight. I should have some posts in reserve (note-to-self).

But maybe sharing the peculiar ways we torture ourselves is a gift of hope 😊.

I’m hoping so.

And at least it gives me a reason to share the perfect song for such a day – Radiohead’s weirdly wonderful Creep.

Yours hopefully,

Nazneen xxx

Yours Hopefully is a weekly experiment in living hopefully. With science and song. Why not subscribe and get a post every Sunday in your inbox?